Tuesday, October 4, 2011
My comfort zone.
So as Luke promised acting class did get much less emotional, but now I'm not so sure that's a good thing. On the day of the hat exercise I had a feeling of accomplishment and that I finally did something right in an acting class, but now it's back to that feeling of "wow I'm terrible at this." I'm aware is a terrible attitude but I'm having a lot of trouble changing it. There's a lot of things I don't do simply because of the person I am and acting just seems to fall under those things. It pushes me way out of my comfort zone to the point where it makes me incredibly insecure and I can't handle it. I'm trying, I really am but acting isn't something I can do (not right now at least.) I can't pretend to scream at someone because I can hardly do it for real. I never act on my emotions in real life. If I want to yell at someone I normally keep it inside, I never start an argument. I feel to bad about it, and makes me feel like a bad person no matter how much they deserved it. The meanest I ever get is short sarcastic lines that I walk away after saying. I have too much of a guilty conscience to yell at someone. I know, I know, when you act you're not really yelling at them, you're yelling at another person acting but I just don't know what it feels like to really yell at someone and try to win the fight. I turn passive and let people do what they want, and I hate it.
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"I turn passive and let people do what they want, and I hate it."
ReplyDeleteYelling at people isn't some great thing, and certainly not something in which we all should engage constantly. However, the ability to confront people seems a necessity — your quote above points to that truth.
Eventually, you will have a job and perhaps people under you of whom you're in charge. You might have children. Confrontations will abound, and there will be times when that confrontation will become a wickedly emotional conflict, and you will have to be there, present to it, and you might have to win it. And it will not be pleasant at all. You can look at acting right now as the training you need for those future moments. It doesn't make class anymore happy fun fun, but where else in school or in your life is a basically safe environment for this sort of needed thing?
Class will not always be screaming, nor will it always be crying. Theatre tends to revolve around the most extreme poles, and certainly, in terms of getting in touch with and expressing our emotions the extreme positions are most useful. But the majority of class, and acting situations, calls for stances that are more nuanced.
You are not terrible at this sort of thing at all. It is uncomfortable and it pushes your buttons and I completely understand that, and sympathize with how you are feeling. So, we will press on together, Caitlin. This is a watershed year for you in many ways.
Be brave! Bold Optimism!
I swear Caitlin, we're like the same person.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand when you say that you never act on your emotions in real life, because I'm the same!
I always bottle up my feelings, and it's terrible because it will only devour you from the inside out.
I'm not the best at acting and I'm fully aware of it, but nothing will get better if you don't try.
If you're always going to be afraid of what other people think of you in life, you'll never get anywhere. You'll end up walking around in a circle wondering what or where you went wrong.
Like Luke said, Be brave!
What's the worst that could happen?